Life Attractions

Family Happiness: Celebrating The Gifts of Age

Family and community gatherings often bring us together with people of different ages. This can be a challenge when we experience differences. Very young children get into everything, adults can be so engaged in their projects that they become overworked and stressed out, and the elderly tell stories about the past while we wonder how they apply to us.

The three main age periods, childhood, adulthood, and elderhood also bring significant contributions to our happiness. When we better appreciate the contributions of age, it is much easier to appreciate the differences.

Martin Seligman, in his book, "Authentic Happiness," described three main sources of happiness:  Pleasures, flow, and having a purpose greater than yourself. When you have all three sources of happiness, your life is fulfilled. This consists of savoring positive feelings from pleasures, deriving abundant gratification from using your strengths and experiencing flow, and using these strengths in the service of something larger than yourself. Each of these routes to happiness builds upon each other, starting from childhood. 

In childhood, young ones spend time in exploration and play.  Enjoying the pleasures and using their curiosity to explore the world helps them develop the basic concepts for the more goal directed activities that follow.

In adulthood, our reactions to pleasures are more quickly habituated.  Instead. our attention becomes more focused on accomplishing tasks. As adults, we like a challenge and and become gratified by being productive.  This is when using our character strengths helps us to experience flow.

In elderhood, we become more aware the actions that are the most effective in accomplishing our goals.  This allows us to make wiser decisions. As our physical strength declines, wisdom allows us to conserve energy  and to focus on the deeper meaning and purpose to our lives.  It helps us to see
our overall contribution and pass it on to others.

When we enjoy all three sources of happiness our lives become more deeply enriched and fulfilled. Take time to notice the contributions of each age and appreciate the joys that they give.

Then decide what combination of pleasures and fulfillments works the best for you, and communicate it to others. For example, you might enjoy joys of children for short periods, but not continuously.  Instead, you might enjoy documenting the stories of the elders. Now, isn't that more attractive than
getting stressed out?

Warmly,

Dr. Alice

Copyright 2008 All rights reserved

Thanksgiving - Honoring Your Roots

What a wonderful day to be grateful and to celebrate the blessings in our lives. We are fortunate to be able to gather with family and friends, enjoy good food, and share stories. 

When you do so, take a moment to consider your roots. Do you know the countries of your ancestors?  See if you can discover them.  When you become aware of them and reflect on them, you they can give you a deep sense of appreciation that goes far beyond the pleasures and the happiness of one day.

Consider the Pilgrims, they are our ancestors that founded America.  They came England to avoid religious persecution.  The first year was hard, as over half of the original 110 pilgrims who sailed from England had died. The following year they received help from the friendly Indians, and they were most grateful to have enough food for the winter.

Throughout their endeavor, their values of spirituality, persistence, loyalty, and courage carried them through.  These are what I call value roots.  Every family has a unique set of value roots in their family tree that have helped them to survive. These value roots hold the family together when times are rough.  They provide positive ideals and aspirations to nourish hope, and maintain continuity and connection across the generations.

Take a moment to reflect and see if you can discover the values that are important to your family.  What changes do you see today for which you can be grateful? These character strengths and values give a deep sense of purpose and meaning to your life.

Celebrating Family: Appreciating Our Elders

The upcoming holidays are a good time to honor our relatives, friends, and family.  It also is
a good time to recognize the gifts of the different ages.

Over the last week I have been attending a workshop with Bert Hellinger, now in his 80's.  He spoke and showed us examples of the laws of love in families. It has been a  great inspiration to be in the presence of his wisdom and spirit. 

Often, we have an internal image of those older than ourselves as weak and frail, forgetting that while they may not be as physically active as ourselves, their spiritual resources and wisdom has great power. It lets us know when to act and when not to act. It helps to promote the good of all, and it conserves energy. 

For example,  my mother, age 88, prays daily for the family. Most impressive to me is her perspective and her ability to remain nonjudgmental. She does not respond to differences among the children and even prays for the ex-spouses. All are included. Her silent prayers have been significant in reducing conflict and over time have great power in promoting peace and harmony in the family. 

This spiritual influence and wisdom of the elders, whether overt,as in the speaking and workshops of
Bert Hellinger, or covert, as in the prayers of the grandmothers, is often hidden. Still, it is  highly attractive to all and balances the family system.

Celebrating Family: Becoming Inclusive

This week I have been studying with Bert Hellinger, who is well known for his work with family constellations. He is the author of the recent book, Rising in Love, and is still going strong at 83 through his workshops and writing.  Bert Hellinger's work concerns laws of love that are important to all human connection and internation.  One of these laws is that in any given collective, all members have a right to belong.  That is, all need to be included.  When a member is left out, it places stress on the system and illness may result.

We are fortunate to be living at a time when humankind is becoming increasingly more inclusive.  The internet helps us to communicate globally and to embrace different cultures.  In the United States, race and gender is no longer an obstacle to entering into the Presidential election.  Consider the ways in which you may become more inclusive in your family and daily life.  When you do so, you will discover that your life is more deeply fulfilled.

Warmly,

Dr. Alice

Holiday Gifts - From Pricy to Priceless

During this time of the year we are all thinking about gifts. So many times we associate gifts with material items.  We search the catalogs, malls, and stores to find the perfect gift, only to feel drained and tired. Shopping for gifts may not be as attractive as we thought.

Actually, it may not be the material item that is most important, but what it means to us. We want to express a grateful heart and love.  There are many ways of sharing our joy for the loved ones in our lives. For example, Gary Chapman has spoken of five languages of love, of which material gifts are only one. The other love languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation.  Watch your loved ones and see if you can determine language that resonates most with them, then give a gift in that language.

To learn more, join us for our Teleseminar on Thursday, November 13th at 4:00 PM CDT. This is only one of the topics we will be covering. Just join our list by putting your first name and email address on the right so we can send you the details for the call.

Meanwhile, you might want to consider the following:

Physical Touch - Pass out hugs and kisses.  They are very easy to give. It lets children know you care about them and is one of the fastest ways to show it.  Even cool teenagers appreciate a quick arm around the shoulder and a squeeze when their friends aren't looking.

Acts of Service - How about cooking? Try baking some foods you remember as a child and tell the family stories that go with them.  You might want to note your children's favorite foods and have
a meal around those items.  Or, you might want to have a cooking party, when your children or friends gather together to bake and have fun.  This is also a great time to give and help out in the community.  Check your local organizations for those that need help.

Quality Time - Spend time with your loved ones doing an activity you all enjoy. It could be reading a special book, taking time to listen to their favorite story, or going through photo albums.  Your undivided attention is something that often is not put on a list. Nonetheless it is one we all appreciate and enjoy.

Words of Affirmation:  You might want to create a poem, or just write up a story of what you have noticed and appreciated over the last year. It helps all to better appreciate who we are.

Physical Gifts.  Gifts do not need to be pricy to become priceless. Many small items are meaningful. For example, for very young children, one of the most popular toys are blocks.  They are fascinating to children because they can be used to create so many other structures. As we become older a small physical representation of a deeper quality of love can be most meaningful. 

Once we become aware of the many ways in which our loved ones can appreciate our gratitude and love, we have many more choices than just shopping.  Now isn't that attractive?

Warmly,

Dr. Alice

Chapman, Gary.  The Five Love Languages. Chicago:  Northfield Publishing, 1995,

Copyright 2008 Alice Vlietstra. All rights reserved.

Celebrating The Holidays - Discovering Your Invaluable Gifts

Have you ever experienced the holidays as a hassle or struggled with a tight budget?  You do not need to feel pressured into buying pricy items when you can discover the hidden priceless ones. These gifts are timeless.  They have no price tag, they do not wear out, and they do not go out of style. They give you an opportunity to celebrate the deeper meaningful experiences in your lives.  The following are seven tips for discovering these invaluable gifts.  

You also may learn more about these gifts, ask questions, and gain ideas, by participating in our teleconference next Thursday at 4:00 PM CDT.  If you are not already on my list, just sign up in the box on the right and I will send you the details on webcast link and call in number.

Here are seven tips:

1)  Recognize that the best gifts are more than material items.  Often the gifts that are the most meaningful are the creative ones that touch the heart.  They can be hand-written notes of appreciation, a poem that you frame, pictures in a photo album, acts of service, and gifts of love and touch. All of these gifts are more intangible, and yet they are deeply meaningful.

2) Recognize and appreciate your strengths and those of others. When you are in your strengths, you are absorbed, in the flow, and feel deeply gratified by what you are doing.  These are the activities that give your life  purpose and meaning.  Being able to identify these strengths is one big clue to discovering the invaluable gifts. 

For example, I have a sister that thoroughly enjoys taking pictures and putting them into albums, another enjoys cooking, another does crafts, and I enjoy organizing family teleconferences where appreciations can be shared.  Each of these activities is a gift.  It reflects an underlying strength.

Positive psychology has identified twenty four character strengths, which cluster into six main virtues that are common to all cultures and traditions.  Everyone has these strengths; usually three to five are used more frequently and become signature strengths. When you become aware of these strengths you will find that they give you an expansive creative mindset that gives a deeper and more long lasting sense of happiness than just the experience of pleasure alone.  When you better understand your strengths, they will also help you appreciate the strengths of others. Watch for them, because they will give you clues as to the kinds of gifts that others appreciate and enjoy.  When you join our list, I will send you a list of these strengths and how to find your signature strengths.

3)  Celebrate strengths by taking a moment to reflect on what you most appreciate about the people in your life.  When you share what you appreciate with them, it builds up their awareness of their strengths and affirms their gifts to you.  It is much easier for a person to appreciate their strengths when they have feedback from others. 

4) Cherish your stories.  Behind every strength there is a story. The best stories are those where a challenge was overcome. You might notice what your loved ones did and how you appreciated it. Take time to describe how they rose to the occasion to overcome the obstacle. Even better is to write it up and include a picture or two.  You and your loved ones will cherish them for many years to come.

5)  Appreciate the gift of differences.  Often friends and family have different views from ourselves. When they push our buttons, it may not seem like a gift. Think again. They would not create a hassle unless they cared. You might want to discover the gift of forgiveness, and turn the frustration into compassion. Or, you might what to check if there is a hidden strength lurking underneath. A good sense of humor is a great bonus.

6. Appreciate the gifts of age.  So often, we place an emphasis on the strengths of one age, such as our own. When we do so, we may unconsciously favor one age or another, and ignore the contributions of other ages.  All to often we might forget the gifts of wisdom and the spirit of those who have gone before us or the gift of curiosity and exploration of the younger ones. When we acknowledge the contributions of all the ages, all are included and we become more joyous in our celebration.

7.  All gifts of pleasure, such as tasty food, new clothes, and toys, are more long lasting and meaningful when combined with an appreciation of our strengths of character.  When we include gifts that reflect our strengths, such as in our stories and appreciation of differences, we feel a much deeper gratification than from material items alone. Our view of the world expands and creative gift ideas begin to flow. These gifts keep on giving. They are priceless. Take time to discover and celebrate them during your holidays. 

Warmly,

Dr. Alice

Copyright Alice Vlietstra 2008