Life Attractions

The Best of 2009: Creating New Visions of Happiness

A group of us have joined a writing project on the best of 2009.  It was organized by Daniel Scocco at www.dailyblogtips.com.   For me, the greatest blessing was the financial crisis, letting us know there is more to happiness than money.  With all of the challenges of the year, one of the biggest has been the confirmation that really makes us happy may be our bonding, our relationships with each other, our families and communities.  Indeed, research has demonstrated that once basic needs our met, a continued emphasis on money may lead to anxiety and depression.   Actually, releasing the emphasis on materialism can make you feel stronger and happier.  

This year when my family has gathered for reunions and holidays, we have combined our celebrations with a "Giving ." For me, it has been one of the most gratifying experiences of the year.   I had a "Giving" on Black Friday after Thanksgiving. We also had one for my mother this summer.  Whoever hosts gets to host the "Giving." As with many people, I have had collections of stuff that has been piling up for years in the hidden corners and rooms.  My giving was centered on my library, where I had extra books that I had accumulated and not looked at for at least 10 years.  Within two hours the room was magically transformed. All of the unused books were donated to charity. The recipients were most delighted to distribute them to others.  It was a great joy to experience the teamwork, to feel productive, and the freeing power of letting go.  The following are a few tips on what we found to  make a "Giving" a success.

The Paradox of Women's Happiness: What You Can Do

More and more women are awakening to their feminine power in evolving a better world.
Over the last 40 years, women have achieved wider influence, better job prospects, and greater acknowledgment for their achievements.  And yet, recent studies reveal that women have gradually become less happy, less happy than men, and unlike men, grow sadder as they get older.  It shows up in stress.  According to the World Health Organization, depression is the second leading debilitating disease among women (Heart disease is #1). Depression clocks in at 10 in men and women take twice as many SSRI's.

So, what really makes for women's happiness?  What do we women really want? What is the source of the stress?   Listen to our teleseminar on What is Happening to Women's Happiness.  We will give you critical information on women's happiness from three perspectives.  Dr. Jane Granskog, looks at the role of gender in different cultures and what has brought happiness and peace over the years.  I speak on the psychology of women's happiness and what women can to shift out of stress and depression.  Then Dr. Adrienne Zahner will share on how we can listen to our body for clues to what to do to increase happiness. Again, just click on the link.

 

Weight Loss: Shifting to a More Holistic View

I was talking with a lady today who shared how she was shifting to a more holistic view to create a simpler and more rewarding life. One of her challenges had been losing weight and feeling overwhelmed with all of the work around the house.  Previously, when she felt she had too much to do, she simply gave up and snacked in front of the TV. Does this sound familiar?

Today her approach is much different.  First, she removed the source of much of her stress -- too much stuff.  For example, instead of having many craft materials and toys available for her children, she removed many of them so they had fewer choices.  This helped the children to focus on creative activities.

Next she looked for opportunities for exercising and losing weight right at home. Housework gave her many opportunities for exercise. Another source of exercise was taking the children out for fun.  Now she has lost weight, is spending more quality time with her children, and is redesigning her home to  better meet the family's needs.  She stated, "losing weight is not about exercise and counting
calories" as much as it was about changing her view of the world.

What is the difference? She began to take a more holistic view.  Previously, she might have felt guilty for not going to the gym for exercise or counting her calories.  Instead she is developing a simpler  lifestyle that incorporates more exercise and a healthier diet by using the resources available to her.  She is much more confident, happy, and a peace with herself.

Kids: Commodity or Community

As financial markets have collapsed, so also has the philosophy that gives money precedence over all else. Our attraction to money and materialism as a primary path to happiness is rapidly habituating. Increasingly, we are becoming aware of the limitations of a money driven economy. It has been particularly devastating in creating a culture for the healthy development of children.

Over the last forty years we have doubled our real incomes and what money buys. David Myers reports that we have twice as much stuff today as in 1960. At the same time the divorce rate has doubled, the teen suicide rate has tripled, violent crime has quadrupled, prison rates have quintupled (many inmates committed their crimes as older teens) AND we have soaring rates of depression (Myers, 2000).

At the same time, increasing research has shown the importance of community in rearing healthy, caring, responsible children. This does not require expensive gadgets, games, or toys.  It requires
a family and community that is aware and cares.  We have a choice. Here is one way to see it: Commodity or Community

Commodity

In a recent article in Truthout, Henry Giroux gave a frank statement about the role of corporations in commodifying kids.  He reports that kids and teens, because of their value as consumers and their ability to influence parental spending, have become major targets for powerful marketing and financial forces that serve corporations.  The advertising and marketing industry spends billions a year on shaping children's identities and lives.

Corporate America, Giroux argues, basically values children as commodities.  Babies even at age one may be watching Teletubbies and eating the food of its "promo partners" Burger King and MacDonald's. Rather than having a childhood that is protected by a community that is concerned about their well being, Giroux states "the worth of young people is measured through the potentially barbaric calculations of finance, exchange value and profitability." The consequence - children who are compelled to confront a future that offers little hope of happiness or even survival.

Community

At the same time, we have increasing information about what it takes to raise healthy, caring
responsible children. You do not need fancy toys and entertainment gadgets to do it. Much of it
can be done by common ordinary caring activities. Indeed, Search Institute, in reviewing extensive
research has identified the developmental assets that are needed for raising healthy children.

They include basic assets as a caring family, a caring community, boundary setting, organized activities, support for learning, and support for developing social skills and a positive identity. Television is not mentioned.  More information on the developmental assets may be attained at the Search Institute website.

Awareness Gives us Choice:

Awareness gives us choice. We can blindly follow corporate advertising, or we can become informed and empowered, taking responsible action in our communities, right where we are, one moment at a time. Which is more attractive to you?

Myers, David. Christianity Today, 2000, April 24.

 

Special and Connected

My neighbors had a family member who recently passed.  He was loved and cherished by all who knew
him.  Having suffered from Down's syndrome, he continually maintained a child like quality about him of innocence and exploration. It was such a joy to see the community turn out to celebrate his life. His authenticity, his sense of humor, and his sense of innocence was valued by all.

So many times, it is easy to judge an individual with challenges as a nuisance, or categorize a person with a label.  When we do so, we reduce a human being to a label, a function, or an object.  It was refreshing to see how the community appreciated him.  All seemed to feel more accepted, connected, and peaceful.

Happiness: Exploring, Doing, and Being

Happiness and joy can take more than one form.  Positive Psychologist, Martin Seligman, in his book, Authentic Happiness (2002) described three routes to happiness: Pleasure, engagement, and meaning. Pleasure, the path to happiness most frequently seen in the media, is no longer the primary focus of our attention. Today, we also seek to be productive and contribute to a purpose greater than ourselves. These three paths reflect three ways of relating to the world, exploring, doing, and being. They are a fundamental part of how we process information and develop sequentially with time as we mature.

Exploring

Exploring brings out the kinds pleasure and sensations that come from the stimulation of our senses.
You frequently see it in with children.  Consider a two-year-old with food. It is easy to observe the
pleasure with the child enjoys the sensation of food when he plays with it, squeezes it with his fingers, smears it on his face, and enjoys its taste.  You also see exploration, at any age, when we initially enter a new situation.  For example, when you go to a new store, you may want to explore it just to get your bearings and know what is where.  As we become more familiar with a situation, our attention the salient stimuli habituates.  Exploration declines and is replaced by more goal and task oriented behavior.  For example, after exploring a new store, we decide what we want to buy and where to get it.

Doing

Doing reflects the joy that comes from being engaged in accomplishing goals, completing tasks, and in meeting the challenges of life. It is most often seen in adulthood. Indeed, when you talk with an adult, it only takes a minute or two before one asks the question, "What do you do?"  Adults live in a world of schedules, payments, obligations, and jobs that need to be done. For example, at mealtimes an adult might be most concerned about getting food on the table, completing the meal in a reasonable time, and making sure the chores are done. A young child's exploration is likely to be disciplined and seen as making mess. We enjoy our work when we are using our strengths.  Still, in all this busy doing, we may ignore question of what is really worthwhile. 

Being

We are "being" when we accept and appreciate who we are. When we are in touch with our deeper character, it helps us to better appreciate our contribution that comes through our presence. When our actions flow from this presence, they are more likely to serve us. These qualities of being often become more fully developed after midlife.  For example, at mealtimes, this kind of happiness can be seen in the wise adult who delights in spending time with a child and redirects the child's attention through their presence rather than through and discipline.  

Each of these ways of relating to the world has a function. They develop sequentially. In exploration, attention habituates as we develop the schema that underlie the more goal-directed and task-oriented activities that follow. With time, engagement in tasks eventually habituates to qualities of connection and being.  All three are needed.  Appreciating the qualities and contributions of each can help us create a more fulfilling life.

Breakthroughs to Success

Have you ever had a downturn when you had little positive feedback and you had to revise your direction? Then fast forward,-- Surprise, surprise, A breakthrough!  You discovered a new floor and a new level of success.

Actually, it follows time honored principles.  Not all change occurs progressively step by step, sometimes it occurs in leaps after a period of adversity.  It helps to know what will help you get through the tough periods to reach a new level of expansion and growth.

If your are in St. Louis, you can learn how this happens in a workshop I am giving next Saturday. Join Dr. Stan Fine and myself for our mini three-hour workshop, "Secrets to Success - How to Grow Your Dreams." 
Just check this link http://www.thelawof12.net

Stressed Out? Try a One Minute Happiness Shift

Have you ever noticed that you tend to make dumb decisions when you are stressed out?  That is, you
might talk excessively or lash out angrily. By contrast, when you are calm and peaceful, it is much easier to find creative,insightful solutions.

One way to move from stress to calm creativity is to shift to a happier state.  Dr. Lynn Johnson, in his book, "Enjoy Life," gives tools to train the brain to calm and shift to higher functioning. He suggests a simple three-step process: Shift, Recall, and Ask.

Step 1: Shift your attention away from your fear self-talk to breathing and focusing on your heart.  Breathe slowly. Be glad you are still alive.  Notice,-- your heart is still beating. Continue to breathe and calm yourself for about 30 sec.

Step 2: Recall and relive a positive emotion when you felt peaceful, confident, and secure.  Think of a time when you felt genuine love for someone. Let it fill your heart.  The memory of this feeling will activate the frontal lobes of your cortex. Do this for 30 seconds.

Step 3:  Ask yourself:  What is the highest and best way to handle this situation?"  Listen carefully to the wisdom that comes from within.  When you take time to quiet yourself with positive emotion, the frontal lobes activate your creativity and insight, Trust what comes and do it.

Sometimes it is hard to shift when the mind is very active. Dr. Johnson points out the difference between thinking and sensing.  In the shift, focus on changing from an active, self-talk mind to sensing quiet mind.  This mind is more observant and notices without inner commentary.

Often we look for answers outside of ourselves that are better found within. The shift-up process helps you to gain access to the vast resources of your brain.  Try it several times a day, and make it a habit. It will help you find your heart's wisdom in solving your daily problems.  A similar process has also been by the Heart Math program

Nourish The Seeds of Change and Create a Spectacular Life

Would you like to nourish the seeds of change to create a spectacular life? Once you have a dream you will need to nourish it for it to grow.  Start looking for the seeds of your dream in what you already have. These are the seeds of change. Then look for a simple and powerful form of nourishment to help them grow.  For me, the most powerful form of nourishment are validations. Validations are an expression of gratitude in the form of appreciation. When you are grateful and express your appreciation, you are validating the life force that is needed for growth.

Being grateful is much more than just listing what you liked during the day, or remembering to say a ritual “Thank You.” When we do this, gratitude can become just another another job.  Gratitude is much more empowering when you see it as your choice to validate life. Gratitude recognizes that there exists a force for life that can transform the challenges that come your way.  You put gratitude into practice when you notice this gift of life and express your appreciation to yourself and others.

You can cultivate gratitude by taking a moment to reflect on some of the highlights of your life. For example, it could be the birth of a child, completing a race, or accomplishing a goal by working with a team. Go with the feeling of life’s power to overcome challenges, put yourself in the flow. Savor it. You also experience it when your are absorbed, doing what you really like to do, and notice the gifts of others.  You may experience this most of the time. Notice this life force during the day.

This is easy to do. You can reflect on it in the car on the way to work, at night before going to sleep, in the morning when you are putting on your socks, or in the evening when you are appreciating the positive moments of the day. You may want to write them down. It will give you more enthusiasm for life. Studies have shown that people who are grateful are more optimistic, come closer to reaching their goals, exercise more, and have high levels of vitality and well being.
 
Most important is expressing your gratitude and appreciation to others. It works well as a focus for promoting all of your relationships.  Expressions of appreciation are most effective when they are authentic, that is, from the heart, consistent, and specific.  For example, you can validate a child by saying, "What I appreciate about you today is . . ."  The more specific the better.

Studies show that when parents express love, optimism, and a zest for life, their children become happier.  When partners express appreciation to their mates, it builds their relationships.  When managers walk around and acknowledge their workers, productivity is enhanced.  When customers are
acknowledged for their purchases, they are more likely to purchase again.  All in all, validations can help grow a spectacular life in many ways.  Now, isn’t that attractive?

Change - Little Actions, Consistently Taken, Bring Big Results

This year I have decided to look for the best.  It all started over the holiday break, as I was reflecting on the last words of my father to our family before he passed. He was the son of an immigrant. It was his dream for our family to honor the "Finest of America."

As I began to think about it, I found it was a most fascinating topic. There was much to write about. Many ideas came to my mind. The spirit was so strong I had no choice but to say, "YES. This will be my focus for the year." Later on that day I realized that it was the anniversary of my father's birthday.

As you have seen on my last post, my first discovery was the American inspiration for change, The Declaration of Independence. The vision of our forefathers was to honor our inalienable rights to "Life, Liberty, and Happiness."  We can honor this vision in our actions every day, just by sharing our gratitude by letting others know what we appreciate.
 
I was listening to Alex Mandossian in his Teleseminar Secrets class on Monday.  Late into the evening, one of the students asked.  "What do you believe is most important for success?"  He believed that success resulted from small actions, consistently taken, every day.

For example, on his blog, at www.alexmandossian.com, Alex put up a post on the importance of  expressing appreciation, in small actions every day. Its power can be seen in this YouTube clip on validation. 

When we express our gratitude and appreciation we are doing more than sharing with others, we are also honoring the vision of our forefathers. When we do so, it makes a space for the spirit of our forefathers to support us. This strengthens our faith and our resolve to accomplish a goal. The results might be bigger than you think.